05/03

I weigh like 143 lbs this morning. Those scales are so unreliable. But at least they really motivate me to actually do something, there's nothing like being told you weigh over 10 st to get motivated.
I think the diet pills are doing nothing good at all. They don't seem to make any noticable difference in my weight, all they do is give me unbearable headaches. I got home from school and slept for hours today. But at least when I'm asleep I can't eat.
My friend is getting weirdly suspicious. I drew a 'F' on my hand, and drew a circle and a cross over it, just as a lame reminder not to stuff my face over the weekend. It wasn't exactly neccessary, just something I did when I was bored. My friend noticed this today (permemant marker) and she got so suspicious about it. I had to rub at it as hard as I could and change the 'F' to a random squiggle when she wasn't looking, but I know she worked out what it meant and wasn't fooled that she had misseen it when I changed it.
She's going to get so annoying now, she's unbarable because she just accuses me of being selfish and making her worry about me when she has other things going on, which is so hard to argue against, because I can't help it if she's going to worry. I end up feeling so guilty that I end up eating, and once she's made me get fat again, she goes back to barely speaking to me. And she says I'm selfish?
Luckily she's gone to see Florence and the Machine tonight, so she won't be in school tomorrow, and my other friend is less annoying when I skip lunch. She dieted all of last summer, and dropped from a size 10/12 to a size 6 in a few months, so I think she knows she has no right to tell me what to do, because she knows that losing weight makes you so much happier in the long run.
I'm really regretting my cutting today. At the gym today I had to keep a jumper on, so I couldn't do any hardcore exercise, and my friend really wants us to go swimming on Friday. I'm trying to convince her that I'm not bikini ready yet, but she keeps insisting that swimming is one of the best forms of exercise, which is true.
I don't think she would understand if I told her about my cuts. I don't want her to think I'm weird, unless you do it too, no one really understands how much better it makes you feel.