Today's been shit. Absolute shit.
I've eaten so much, it's ridiculous. Like I don't know if I've ever eaten so much in my entire life. What the hell is wrong with me? I wore some really tight skinny jeans today. I could barely take them off they were so tight. I'm disgusting, I need to starve myself not eat.
My nan, who usually comes round to our house every day, hasn't been round. I'm scared she'll have done something. She always seemed really happy, content. I never thought my nan could get depressed. It just didn't occur to me. I should really make more of an effort to go round to see her. If anything happens to her it will be my fault. I'm kind of her favourite, because I go to see her more often than my sister and my mum. I need to make an effort. I might go and stay with her in the Easter holidays. That way she wouldn't let me go out even if I wanted to so I'd get revision done. On the minus she would definitely make me eat. But I suppose I could just make myself sick. Or go for walks and say I'm eating somewhere else. It wouldn't be that hard to avoid.
I've also ended up having a pointless argument with my friend. I know I'm being off with her for no reason. But honestly when I told her I was self harming, it was kind of because I know I need help. She hasn't made it better at all, she's just made me feel like I was attention seeking, and she's barely mentioned it since. Is it stupid to be annoyed at her because she didn't guess I wanted help?
Sorry, this blog's got more about me and my life, and less about my diet.
From tomorrow onwards I'll go back to concentrating on my diet. I might even try fasting to try to counteract all the food I've eaten today.
The point of these blogs is to vent about all your problems, it sounds like this needs to be about your life, AND your diet. Everyone here is here to help you, to support you, to show you that we care more than anyone else because we feel the same emotions you do. On here we are not alone. I've had friends like your friend and let me tell you it's easier to just stop now. For me staying friends with them only made my life hell when we got in big fights, they would tell me to go cut more, to just finally go kill myself, and they wouldn't feel any guilt. You're better off without people that act that way.
ReplyDeletePeople who don't have any problems, who are happy will NEVER understand us, or what we've been through. We are all here for you if you need us. Just reach out. We all care for you.
Thank you. It's so reassuring to know that somebody cares. I really hate that my friend told me she'd always be there for me, and I believed her. I wish she wouldn't pretend to care, then just turn on me.
DeleteI wish I'd discovered the blog world earlier. I've never felt so accepted, with thousands of others all expressing the exact same emotions, the same experiences. It's so comforting logging on and remembering I'm not alone. Thank you so much for being so supportive.
Yeah that's how most of my friends have been my entire life. I haven't had a real friend, in real life since 8th grade. So about 6 1/2 years. It really sucks but you start to realize you're the only person in your life that understands you, and eventually you're the only person you can trust.
DeleteThe blog world can be such a healer, it's amazing the amount of support people give, and can receive from people they've never even met. I hope you're feeling better