I ate quite a lot today, but none of the foods I ate were on the Junk Food list, so I didn't fail at the challenge on day 1.
I think it's quite good, because despite losing control slightly after my plan of fasting, I still didn't consume that many calories because I was mostly eating vegetables and crackers.
I have drunk loads of coke though, but only because I've had a shit day, and I needed something to mix gin with because I can't drink it straight. So I'm trying not to wallow on those calories, I like to think of them as 'essential calories' as they got me drunk, which was definitely needed. (Quite depressing since I drunk alone in my room.)
I officially give up on my friends for support. For the first time ever I tried to follow their advice. My sister, who appeared to be getting better, had a negative reaction to her new tablets today and has been crying and throwing up while moaning in pain all day. It breaks my heart to hear how much pain she's in when I really thought she was getting better. For the first time ever, instead of self harming immediately, I texted my friend to ask if I could talk to her and she didn't even bother replying..
I don't even know why I bothered. I just ended up self harming more than I would have originally, because she upset me even more by not replying. I texted her over six hours ago, and she normally checks her phone constantly so it's obvious she ignored my text purposely. I feel stupid for thinking that she might actually help me get the support I need to stop self harming all together.
While my sister was throwing up, I sat downstairs alone crying, and pushed my meal to the side.
My parents didn't even notice or care, which is understandable considering my sister's illness, but it sometimes makes me wonder if anyone would actually care if I wasn't here anymore.
I keep daydreaming about my suicide. I've planned out exactly how I would do it, and even drafted up a suicide note. I doubt I could ever go through with it, I'm scared it would ruin my sister's recovery if she was grieving. But if it weren't for her health issues I really don't see any reason not to anymore..
I really wanted to leave a positive comment as I've been in the same situation before but it's so hard to find the words I want to say. I'd care if you weren't here. Self harming I found was a difficult circle to escape and there was never anyone to talk to. Stay strong lovely <3 xx
ReplyDeleteI know this post was a few months ago, but I have been going back and reading all of your old ones (anyone brave enough to read my posts and, moreover, to comment, deserves me to read what they've written!!) and I, too, wanted to say something kind and potentially uplifiting because your last paragraph made me really sad and scared for you.
ReplyDeleteThey did this on the TV show "Glee" a while back, so you may or may not have seen it (it's one of my favourites, but I'm not sure if they show it in the UK). Think of something in the future to which you're looking forward. Graduating? Marriage? Children? Your sister's improvement in her illness? Leaving home and freeing yourself of your parents' problems/unkindness towards you? Travelling? Anything, big or small, that will make you happy one day, and with which you can remind yourself that YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING. No one else can live it - and you owe it to yourself to make it truly wonderful.
Also, if your friends don't care enough about you to understand that you're asking for help when you tell them about something, it's definitely time for new friends.
<3.