Last night was horrible. I was reading through somebody's old blog entries, I can't even remember who it was or what they had written, but something just snapped within me. I took another couple of diet pills which I swollowed with half a bottle of vodka, just enough to numb everything, and read the 'Wintergirls' book most of the night.
Today all I've eaten is
- green tea = 0 calories
- a rice cake = 29 calories
- 9 blueberries = 7 calories
Plus one diet pill, after my near collapse yesterday I decided to be a bit more conscious of how many I'm taking.
It's still only half 5, so it's not dinner time yet, I like to think I'll be able to resist the temptation to eat loads of dinner, but realistically I know that will be hard.
I can hear my sister throwing up as I write this. She's seriously ill, they don't know what's wrong with her, we thought it was aneurysms for a while, but the doctors say if she does have any - which is likely - they're not what's making her ill at the moment. She hasn't been able to leave the house, other than hospital appointments, for nearly 2 months now. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm so jealous of her, she's always being sick. If she was trying it would be so easy for her to lose weight, but she's ruining her chance. Rather than barely eating and throwing up, she's stuffing her face because she's bored, and even though she's throwing back up most of what she eats, she still manages to eat enough to put on weight.
I was I could make myself sick as much as she does, I've tried to make myself sick so many times, I've tried everything that you're meant to do; I drink loads of water before, I use two fingers down my throat, and I've even tried using a toothbrush, but my body literally refuses to let me be sick. No matter how hard I try, I'll gag and gag but nothing will ever come up.
I'm feeling quite positive after today though. It's rare I can go so long without stuffing my face on something. If I can avoid dinner then I will finally be making a significant start at losing weight. I still have so far to go. I cannot wait until I can see my ribs.
I just ate dinner:
- pasta bake - 495 calories
- rocket and watercress salad = 2 calories
- vanilla ice cream = 45 calories
- dairylee cheese strip = 73 calories
Total: 651 calories.
I quite annoyed at myself. Even though 651 calories isn't that bad, better than I normally do, I just thought I could do better. I started off pretty well, up until dinner time I was quite proud of myself. I wish I could make myself sick. I just have never been able to, my body just refuses to cooperate. Does anybody have any tips or advice anything to help me with this?
I wouldn't want to give you tips even if i knew what to do because purging comes with a lot of health probelms :( But i know what you mean about not being able to be sick, when i used to purge, it was always unsuccessful too, just continue to restrict :) Thats the best advice xx
ReplyDeleteI get jealous of people who are actually ill/ able to get sick easily all the time. It's such a stupid thing, but after years of this bullshit I've found it harder and harder to purge. I even get jealous of those truly sick girls who can just contort their stomach to purge. Even drinking loads of salt water never makes me throw up the way its supposed to. It's like my body is trying to drive me insane...Oh well. I guess it's good news for my electrolytes?
ReplyDeleteI hear you about being unable to purge. I tried nearly everything to throw up. Like Clear Girls aid I also tried the salt water but beside tasting gross it had no other effect.
ReplyDeleteWhen I tried to use my fingers or a toothbush to make me puke, I just coughed, but I seem to have no gag reflex.
I had a really bad gastric flu a few months ago. I didn't know which end of my body I should hold over the toilet bowl. Yeah. TMI. I felt horrible first but then I was like "OMG, I'm gonna lose a lot of weight!!"
But since I can't purge I have to stick to restricting even more.
And well, throwing up affects your health so bad.