I was so proud of myself earlier.
I was doing so well.
I had a mug of green tea and a mug of coffee for breakfast, along with a slice of cucumber. No more than 8 calories in all, but it completely filled me up for a few hours due to the amount of liquid consumed. Then my friend made me go to the shop with her, and forced me to buy a chocolate mousse sundae thing, but I told her I would eat it at school, then avoided her when I got to school, and she didn't notice I didn't eat the chocolate sundae and only ate two rice cakes (29 calories each).
But then I got home and my hunger caught up with me. My stomach was rumbling so much, and then I remembered the chocolate sundae still in my bag, and ended up eating all of it (around 435 calories). I hate myself for it. I didn't need it. I was doing so well without it. I should have thrown it away on my way home. Plus I can hear my mum preparing dinner downstairs, and I know she's going to force me to eat it.
I can't wait until it's sunny enough for me to go on walks/runs in the evenings, and avoid eating dinner.
Does anyone who reads this smoke? Does it actually help to suppress appetite or is that just a rumour? I used to smoke but stopped when it got too hard to find somebody who was 18 to buy them for me. But if it helps me to eat less then it's worth the hassel of asking my friend to buy them for me.
I also self harmed again last night. I really don't want to get into the habit of doing it again. I didn't even need to last night. It's scaring me how much my reasoning for doing it has changed. It used to be when I was upset or angry, a way of expressing my emotions without crying or breaking things. But recently I do it just to stop myself feeling useless. The sting makes me feel like I'm being punished for gaining weight, the scars remind me not to binge again. It's easier than drinking to forget. It distracts me, but also makes me feel like I'm actively doing something.
I know that doesn't make sense. I don't really know what I'm on about. I don't really know why I do anything anymore.
Please try not to cut :( Just rescrict your intake, and allow yourself a splurge day :) where you can eat a bit more than usual , that way it stops random huge binges :) xx
ReplyDeleteI always try to restrict, but I always mess it up somehow. But my family have completely run out of money until the end of the month, so hopefully it will be waay easier to avoid binging when I can't afford anything to binge on. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI've only cut a few times, and it was always because I felt so invisible, that I wanted to prove to myself that I exist. It was, however messed up this may sound, my way of proving to myself that I am alive.
ReplyDeleteBut, I haven't done it in a while. Now, I just deny myself sleep (however consciously or unconsciously), which I'm convinced is also a form of self-harming.